Cami Cardinale

Cami had a way of making you feel like you were the center of the universe when you were with her.  We met at an unlikely place - Fort Knox, Kentucky.  When you have 350 smelly testosterone pumping guys in full battle dress all in one place the last thing you expect to find is a hot chick with a camera.

But there she was and within a few hours she was being called "Hot Camera Chick" by all.  Her smile was infectious and distracting, but there was something about Cami that you just couldn't describe.

Over the years she and I talked more and more and during the summer of 2008 when I hit absolute rock bottom, she scaled the walls I had built around me and showered me with her special kind of friendship.

When I flew into LA for the bar exam (Take One) she picked me up from the airport.  Cami kept me distracted with conversation through dinner and into the evening.  As I was beginning to get nauseated about the exam in the morning she grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out of the hotel room.  Cami said nothing as she pulled me down the street in my socks.  We ran a couple of blocks when she suddenly stopped and pulled me into the iceplant off the sidewalk.  I still had no idea what she was doing when the Disney Fireworks show exploded in front of us. 

We stood there together for what seemed like an eternity in a friend's embrace watching the show.  When it was finished we silently walked back to my hotel room and she stayed with me until I fell asleep.

Without Cami there that day I would have packed my things and gone home before the bar exam even started.  And with each failure she smiled and encouraged me, reminding me that she believed in me and a lot of other people did too.

I had not seen Cami in quite a while so I was so happy that she was coming to dinner with us this past Thanksgiving.  When she texted me that she was outside and needed help getting everything in we all ran out excited to see her.  And waited.  And waited some more.  And waited some more.

Cami didn't know that here in Phoenix they have a Street, Avenue, Drive, Place and Circle for nearly every street name.  She ended up a couple of blocks over instead of my mom's house. 

When the old man answered her knock on the door Sadie and Triste ran right into the wrong house and Cami just smiled and with her arms full of pies announced that she was there for dinner.  I'm certain the old man will talk about it for many years.  She just has a way into your heart like that.

She made it to our house and we spent the evening talking about old times and times yet to come.  As she left I hugged her and whispered in her ear how much I love her.  The twinkle in her eye was all I needed to know she understood.

Cami made this world a better place and I cannot fathom it without her. 

I am so grateful that I was able to be even a small part of how big she lived life.  As much as my heart aches I know she wants me to keep living big, following the road less travelled, and never letting anything stop me from dreaming the impossible into reality.

And I know that whatever is next beyond this world, when we get there she will be jumping up and down with her trademark smile, waiting to give us the biggest hugs and tell us what she has been up to.

Crabs in a bucket. I say, fuck it!

I just read that a Dutch Court has lifted the court order forbidding a 14 year old girl from embarking on a solo around the world sail.  As one might expect there was plenty of editorial comment following the article - most criticizing the girl, her family and even the court for allowing the sail.

The most striking observation to me is that clearly none of those who are so loudly critical of this 14 year old girl's solo sail have ever been to sea.  Tales of high seas and dangerous waters, treacherous typhoons and serious squalls, shipwrecking knockdowns and more.  By people who have never seen any of it.  People who have never tasted the salt in the wind, or pulled a sheet through the wench and watched the sails snap to shape and feel her lean into the wind.

This young sailor, with four years of solo experience, has more sea under her than any of those who are crying about her dream.  I know this because I have my sea time and I applaud this brave sailor, as would any Salt worth his ... well, his salt.

I'm not sure why, but it seems to me that most people, the masses, are deathly afraid of someone else following any dream that is outside of mainstream.  Probably because it reminds them how small their dicks are I imagine. 

If you have a bucket of crabs (a tasty start to a great evening I might add) you never need to put a lid on them.  Any crabs that reach for the sky to get out of the bucket are swiftly pulled back down by the rest of the crabs - the masses. 

All my life I have been told what I cannot do and why I cannot do it.  Even after I did it.  I say fuck that!

Opinions and their expression are protected by the First Amendment, and I'm a Constitutionalist so I can't argue against that protection.  But fucking shit people, do you think you can limit your opinionated expressions to things that you are actually qualified to express an opinion about ?

Like all the illegal aliens who are against the new State Immigration Law here in Arizona.  Illegal aliens are the least qualified people to even have a fucking opinion about that law.   Do we allow burglars to protest laws against burglary, or rapists to protest laws against rape?  Its the same fucking thing.

The only people qualified to express a valid opinion about this 14 year old girl are her family and the sailing families that have tied a reef before her.

Death can happen though you say?  So the fuck what!  I have a big fucking surprise - DEATH HAPPENS!  No matter what.  The most important thing is - did you have a dream and follow it.

Yes, there are two elements.  You first have to dream.   I don't mean dream small either.  Shoot for the motherfucking stars.  Someone in my family used to tell me to aim lower so I won't be so disappointed when I fail.  For real.  No shit.  I say, fuck it.

Aim as high as you can imagine and constantly raise your aim as your perception expands and your horizons broaden.

I have sailed the sea in calm and storm, and although I am certainly not an around the world solo kind of sailor, I've been there.  I've done it.  If you haven't, then kindly, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, shut the FUCK up you stupid cunts.  (Emphasis added for, well, effect).

Am I pissing you off yet.  I hope so.  You should be pissed - wasting your fucking life for a paycheck, a mortgage, a car payment, a promotion.  Where the fuck are your memories?  The office christmas party doesn't count no matter how many of the office sluts you bang in the back room.  Well, maybe if you bang a lot of them.

But then only because you took a risk, you stepped out of your comfort zone - even if it was only for 3 minutes.  Its not that she was all that hot mind you , its the energy of doing something the masses tell you that you can't do.  I say fuck it.

Back to sea.  To me the ocean is a lady.  Many nights she held me and rocked me to sleep.  She carried me from place to place.  She gave me joys that only another Sailor can understand.  This 14 year old Dutch girl understands. 

Even if the sea were to take her she was at least following her dream.  She was doing something, instead of sitting in a chair stuffing her face with McCrap and talking shit about something she knows nothing about.

Don't try to describe what you have never seen. 

So if you have not been to sea, well, you know.  Crabs in a bucket.   And if you don't have a dream, well that's your loss.  Just stay the fuck out of mine.

... A year ago, a year from now ....

One year ago today I was wandering around the streets of downtown Sacramento.  I was exploring the convention center where I would begin taking the California Bar Exam the next day.  I was finding the Starbucks, the bathrooms, the drop off and pick up places that best suited me.

My entire world consisted of the Exam, and nothing else.

As you know, I passed that Exam.

In a few days Daun, Owen and I leave on our road trip.  We will end up in the Sacramento Valley for a week of wine, beaches and cities.  I'm sure that, the trip being in California, I will have much inspiration for new, exciting and mostly offensive blogshit.  So be watching for it.

A year from now.... 

Well I expect my moral character process will be completed and I'll be sworn in as an Attorney at Law, Esq., a lawyer, etc. 

I will also be two semesters (and perhaps a summer session) closer to having my medical school pre-req's completed (with maybe 2 more semesters to go, or even less).

And most certainly, I will be drinking a Macchia Late Harvest Zinfandel.

MEEP ! MEEP!

Nearly halfway through my second semester back at school I have distilled down my inner motivations into an articulable direction.  For the dumbasses out there, it means I know what I want and how imma get it bitch!

I have long been drawn to natural medicince.  Homeopathy can get pretty damn hokey though and while it has some emperical support in science, much of it is too etherial for my objectives.  So I looked at oriental medicine and even took a semester of Mandarin.  Ni hao ma?  Its just not "doctor" enough for me.

Naturopathic Medicine is a scientifically evidenced system of natural and modern medicine that seems to fit my thinking.  And Arizona has the broadest scope of practice for ND's, making them primary care providers with prescribing authority and health insurance payments.

So after reviewing again the prereqs to get in and doing the cost benefit analysis comparison of the ND to the MD I am settled on the Naturopathic program.

But before I can get to the ND program I am going to obtain a MSOM (Master of Science Oriental Medicine).  Oriental Medicine is within the scope of practice for ND's anyway but the education isnt as in depth as I want and OM is likely to be my main modality so I want the best education in the area I can get.

So .... I have another two years at GCC before I begin the MSOM program, which is a four year program.  After that its on to medical school for another four years.  I guess thats my ten year plan ....

Of course there will be plenty of adventures along the way !

Catharsis

Catharsis


1. Medicine Purgation, especially for the digestive system.

2. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.

3. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

4. Psychology

a. A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.

b. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.



I was glancing at some of the many “Bar Exam Blogs” a moment ago, mostly out of habit that any other reason. It feels so irresponsible to not be studying for the bar exam still. My bookshelves sit empty of the dozens and dozens of volumes of bar review material, and I wonder what I can put there in their place.



My existence also has empty space, left vacant by the news on November 20, 2009, that I have indeed passed the California Bar Exam. I also ponder what I might fill that space with, now that its no longer full of emotional tension and overwhelming experience.



So I’m looking at these videos of people checking their bar exam results and the first thing that stands out to me is that there are no videos of people finding out they did not pass. I suppose no one wants to post that kind of thing online? I know I deleted my first video of checking results (and not passing).



Anyway, I had to stop looking at the videos because I was getting all cathartic again. It seems that moment gets burned into your emotional core forever. Or at least for a few months.



It is true that I have experienced a purifying cleansing of emotions, particularly fear. Certainly there has been a release of emotional tension following a clear overwhelming experience – taking the California Bar Exam three times.



The attorney in my firm has now called me “an attorney in the firm” three or four times. A very restorative and refreshing moment to say the least.



Therapeutically speaking, my tension and anxiety is banished with no lingering repressed feelings or fears.



Overall, learning that I passed the bar has been rather uneventful on the surface. My job is the same as it was before. My life is really not that much different – other than the 12 hour study days are now over. I’m not very different than I was before. On the surface anyway.



I discovered that taking the bar exam is an experience that cannot be adequately described to someone who has not themselves also taken a bar exam. Its simply not possible to put it into language. As much as I would love to yell “Taste It Bitches!!!” you just can’t.



So too is passing the bar exam. As I have been sharing the news that I passed, I am discovering that I cannot express the experience of passing the bar exam to those who have not also passed a bar exam. Its simply too big for words. In fact I could not even speak in the moments following that click of a button that brought the news to me that my name was found on the pass list.



I think its safe to say that it hasn’t fully sunk in for me yet. I still look at the pass list once or twice a week just to see my name there, but I don’t get emotional over that anymore.



But watching the video of someone getting their bar exam results puts me right back in that moment on Friday, November 20, 2009, a little after 7:00 p.m.



Time stopped. Literally, because I pulled out the crown of my “bar exam watch” that I had been using to keep track of time during the exams. That watch will never again be used for anything other than as a memento of catharsis.



I have a new watch now.



I have a new life now, and a future that I have not been able to see because of the limitations of law school and the bar exam.



I am writing in the pages of my life in ink, not pencil. And dammit I’m using a MontBlanc pen instead of some crappy Pilot gel.