Last Call ....

I began writing this blog exactly 7 days, 3 hours and 20 minutes before the results of the California Bar Exam will be posted on the State Bar Website. As I post this blog on November 21, 2008, I now know my results. I will get to that in a minute, but first I want to savor the moment, even if its just in a blog.

Before I even "graduated" from law school I was well into my 5 month long bar review course. Although it started slowly – Saturdays and Sundays only, bar review grew into a consuming 7 day a week habit. During this time I never had the opportunity to realize for myself, and share with my friends and family that I was now a "legal scholar" adorned with the title "Juris Doctor" with all the rights and privileges thereunto pertaining.

Completing law school is a tremendous task for anyone, particularly a 39 year old three time college dropout boat bum slacker who has drifted from place to place for nearly 20 years. So without the acclaim of pomp and circumstance, without celebration, without ceremony, I silently became a law school graduate in April of 2008.

Only after the bar exam was over and I rediscovered beer, free time, friends, a girlfriend, and a social life, did I reflect on the totality of this dream of mine. Starting with every reason why not, I took the first steps in the spring of 2003 when I moved to Phoenix. (I won't restate the journey because it is already mostly chronicled in my previous blogs.) Here I am five years later, at the end of my five year plan waiting for a computer to tell me if I have a six month extension of that plan coming my way.

At some point this past summer, when people stopped asking me how I thought I did on the bar, I began to get used to having weekends and evenings free. I could think about something other than my outlines and practice MBE questions. Briefly I even stopped thinking about the bar exam entirely. Alright that's not really true but I tried.

At least once an hour since July 31, 2008, I have reflected upon the bar exam. What if I pass ? What if I don't pass? I already know I can answer either of those questions. I had a few nightmares before the bar about not having my sharpened No. 2 pencils on MBE day and earthquakes during the bar exam – oh wait that really did happen! I have since had a number of dreams about getting my results today.

I recall far too clearly the emotional meltdown I had after finding out that I passed the baby bar. I couldn't talk, I couldn't drive, and I couldn't see through the emotion in my eyes. Today has been surprisingly calm as I counted down hours, then minutes, to the moment of discovery. Several times today someone commented on how cool and collected I appeared considering the upcoming event of this evening. Cool Hand Luke… yes that's me today. So far anyway.

Through the final few weeks of waiting I have experienced the results in the corners of my mind. I have many times tasted victory and defeat in this hypothetical musical production before I manage to catch myself and redirect my energy to something productive.

Probably the most productive thing in my life is my new relationship with Daun. She is here with me to share this moment and I know either way she is here with me following that click of the mouse.

During bar review and the bar exam I have rediscovered the meaning of friends and true friendship. I have rediscovered love and commitment. I have as a backdrop the various traumas, turmoil, abandonments, and breakdowns that have been the musical score for me throughout this whole five year endeavor.

I am in a sense alone as I receive the news, in that the bar exam, the preparations, and the result are truly an individual experience. Yet I am surrounded by love and support from those who made it possible for me to take this journey.

Today has been a moment by moment countdown for me, waiting for 6:00 p.m. to roll around so I can click the "submit" button. Oh, by the way that's 6:00 p.m. PACIFIC TIME which means 7:00 p.m. for me here in Arizona.

And now, at 7:03 p.m. on November 21, 2008, in my office in Scottsdale Arizona, I am clicking the submit button. With that click, the July 2008 California Bar Examination is now closed….

And the February 2009 Bar is now open ... my name does not appear on the pass list.

Thank you everyone for your support and know that I'm going back into that room....