Legalizing Marijuana ?

I don't typically take positions on political issues. Law school educates politics right out of you. (Not to be confused with being a politician, a profession many lawyers pursue. I'm talking about political ideology and positions here).

I feel I am forced to take a position on the issue of whether or not to legalize marijuana, however not for political or religious reasons. My position is purely selfish and based in economics.

I was in San Diego last weekend. If you don't already know, a lot of weed is smoked in San Diego, particularly in Ocean Beach, where an enterprising beach bum can acquire a rather satisfactory contact high just by walking in and out of various crowds.

Sunday morning we stopped for coffee and bagels at Einstein's Bagels. As you will soon see, the name should have been Dumbfuck Stoner's Bagels.

OK, so pretend you are the guy behind the counter at the bagel and coffee place. A man and a woman, obviously together, discuss their desires for breakfast then approach you to place the order.

You would take both orders right ?

Not Dumbfuck stoner boy.

No, he enters my order, closes the ticket and mumbles I can pay at the other end of the counter (where the cash register is in plain view). I nod and wait for him to take her order. No, Dumbfuck stoner boy gets offended I remained in his red zone and insists I can pay at the other end of the counter.

Now I'm pissed. I have not even had my motherfucking coffee yet.

It gets worse.

I informed Dumbfuck stoner boy he will now take the rest of our order and I will then proceed to the plainly visible cash register to pay for the entire order. Thinking he is now in compliance with my most reasonable demand we complete the ordering process and slide a few yards to the cashier.

For fucks sake. What do you mean you have to run the debit card twice? That's right, Dumbfuck stoner boy strikes again - two checks.

Facing the competing options of bitchslapping Dumbfuck stoner boy or pissing on his leg I decide that I really need my coffee now.

I not so politely informed the "manager" that we are leaving because rainman down at the other end is a dumbfuck stoner. Manager just gazes through half closed blurry eyes and says nothing. Probably had not completely processed though the haze of weed yet.

So here is my theory.

I believe that most of the "quick service" employees are potheads. Think about it. No drug testing. Free fried food. No drug testing. Simple tasks that can be relearned every week (like washing your hands and asking "would you like fries with that?"). No drug testing. Flexible hygiene standards. No drug testing. Look closely the next time you are grabbing a "quick" bite somewhere. Potheads. You know I am right.

Now, imaging all these Dumbfuck stoners aren't even trying to hide the fact that they are stoned. The "smoke break" takes on a whole new meaning.

You think your Taco Bell order is fucked up now? Wait until weed is legal! Forgotten fries, diet instead of regular, missing meat from your Mc Whopper or whatthefuckever you eat.

And they will all be laughing hysterically behind the counter.

And you can forget all about "fast food" and "quick service." Not that its very fast now but grease the wheels of food production with some weed and watch our entire industrial complex grind to slow motion.

The Dumbfuck stoners will never understand us unless we learn to speak stoner. For example, "dude, like score me some big ass fries and like ummmm maybe like a Mc .. wait ... um nevermind scratch that umm... dude what?" Equals "a number 2 to go with a coke" in the cortex of the Dumbfuck stoner.

Legalize weed all you want. Just not for the fucksticks that serve us our food and especially our coffee.

Shit. Now I'm craving Doritos.