... A Year Ago ... A Year From Now ...

Usually, I post the AYA-AYFN post in October. I really can't remember why. But since I missed it entirely last year, and things are getting busy, its coming early.

So, a year ago, I was in Denver with the Yay Dub. My son had just come to live with me.  My nephew was there with us too.  The extent of 'her' yay habit was yet to be revealed.  By Halloween it had become commonplace to see the plate, straw and blade sitting on top of her jewelry cabinet.  All I can say is it snuck up on me.

Shit went 23 kinds of sideways after Halloween, and came to an explosive and near violent climax at the end of November. About a week after mom and everyone left after Thanksgiving I was picking up the U-Haul, packing our shit, and getting the fuck out of Denver while she was off doing someone somewhere. He probably had good yay. That was her MO.

Anyway, back in Phoenix and got the stench of her out of my nose just in time to really figure some things out. Graduated from GCC. Got married to the one woman who has unequivocally (and unrelentingly) loved me without condition.

The stains and pains of recent years are washed out and I'm finding it difficult to remember the details of the drama.

I'm at ASU majoring in Dietetics. I'll be here for three more semesters, maybe four. Then its either an internship, a PhD program, or medical school. I have no fucking idea which.  We'll get to that next year.

A year from now I will be in my senior year at ASU. Hopefully still living in family housing and still not driving any of my 100 mile a day commutes to class.

I do NOT miss the law. Or even the money really. Law school was not about me, and it wasn't even about the people who really matter. Still, the education is awesome and makes what I am doing now a lot easier. Plus, I really am smarter than everyone else in the room when it comes to things like policy, Constitutional law, and other legally inspired topics.  And for the rare prof that insists on being called "Doctor" by his students, I can require the same courtesy in return.

Anyway ... blah blah blah ...

Hopefully there will be some funny shit happening soon so I can blogshit about it.  Knowing me, its just around the corner.

A Year Ago ~ A Year From Now

I graduate this week.  I am entering an internationally ranked, top tier university in the fall. It is my first choice school and the only university I applied to.  I was accepted and granted a generous financial aid award.   There are 18-ish year old graduating high school students all over who cannot make that statement.  When I was 18 I could not have said as much.  I was relgated to an open university that accepted everyone who applied. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with an open university mind you.

For the past three years (I know - this is A Year Ago A Year From Now but its my goddam blogshit so STFU) I have been attending a local community college, finding my way.  Taking classes at GCC started out as something to pass the time after I passed the bar so I didn't drive myself crazy with all that extra free time sinceI was not studying anymore.  I was conflicted about the naturopathic medicine program - which requires a bachelor degree and a lot more basic science pre-requisites, or the Traditional Chinese Medicine program, which only required the associate degree and not as much of the sciences.  I talked myself down from the ND school since it was going to take more time and money to finish a bachelor degree - neither of which I felt I had to spend.

But over the last year things have changed (see - here you go with the year from now).  I was making decisions that "felt like the right thing to do at the time" and stringing those together in some loose nest of what I saw as my future.  I quit my job. I moved to another state with the wrong girl (again).  I restarted my old business.  But it was all bland. Flat. Without passion. Bleh bleh bleh.  It sucked. Realizing the gravity of the mistake involving the really wrong girl I un-did that error and returned to Phoenix to try to figure out what the fuck is going on.

One of the things that was all wrong is I do not want to be a lawyer.  I'm not certain I ever did, but I do not regret the education, or all the blood and tears that went into passing the goddam bar exam.  I just don't want to be a damn lawyer. Big stress off my shoulders with that one!

I also began to have a personal sense of how I had been treating people over the past (insert number of years I have known you here) years.  It wasn't good, but you know this.  After I had a meltdown I figured I owed a few hundred apologies, and for the most part I was able to express those apologies openly and with an honest heart.  Thank you to those who accepted and graciously offered forgiveness.

One apology stands out.  Corbie and I go back 8 years (at least in this lifetime) and you cannot imagine just how stupid I was with her.  What began as an apology turned into the recognition of a relationship that we have both always wanted with each other.    More about that some other time, maybe a year from now?

My son was in the mix through much of the past year and has been living with me.  This has been the best!  As frustrated as it has been, holyshit this kid is freaking awesome!  The few minor issues we are having will resolve themselves with time so I'm not too worried that he hates homework.  He is going to figure all that out.

So here I am, four days away from donning a cap and gown for the first time in my life, and walking across a stage in front of a bunch of people, to accept my Associate of Arts degree from Glendale Community College.  With a 3.75 (or higher) gpa no less.  I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa so they have a bunch of blingy cords and shinythings to wear during graduation abd GCC gave me some other cord thing to wear too.  And I'm gonna wear it all, because I could never have imagined myself at this point when I was 18, or 28, or even 38.  Friday night I get to go up on that stage in front of my son, my wife, my step-daughter and the rest of my family, and finish something I started on my own, with my efforts, and on my terms.

Then, this fall I begin my journey at Arizona State University where I am pursuing a Bachelor of Science in nutrition and dietetics.  That degree will conclude the admission requirements for the naturopathic medicine school and I'm looking to be enrolling for the ND program in the fall of 2014.  

From my dreams to my tongue, from my pen to the paper, with the support of the only woman who has truly loved me unconditionall, I have realized the secret really is The Secret.   Perhaps this silly blog isn't as silly as I thought?

So a year from now - finishing my first year as a Sun Devil and balancing a great job in a small law firm (I never said I hate the law just the lawyer), I'll be preparing to take some kind of well earned tropical vacation.  I will be starting to work on my application packet for the ND program.  I'll be better when I'm older ....

Paganism in the Modern World

Paganisms: Influences of Modernity on Modern Religion

Paganisms today include several pre-Christian philosophies and practices that have been reborn in the modern world.   Notwithstanding it’s ancient origins, Paganism is considered in many respects to be a new religion.  While there is no clear agreement on the origins of Paganism, it was in the mid-twentieth century that measurable numbers of people began to confess their Pagan beliefs to the world. (Woodhead, 358).  The question is, what impact, if any, that modernity has had on Paganism as a modern religion.

By way of background there is no clear definition of what is or is not Pagan.  Pagans are more than just witchcraft, although outsiders may not see a distinction.  In the most general terms, the Paganisms are religions of nature.  Some Pagans see nature as a deity, while other Pagans do not believe in any deity. Nature is however usually at the core of Pagan beliefs and rituals. I will use Paganism and Paganisms interchangeably to reflect the wide range of Pagan beliefs, practices, and classifications.  Where appropriate I will provide contrasts between different Pagan beliefs and practices.  

Modernity, according to Woodhead, is typified by “...Western industrial societies....” (Woodhead, 2). Thus, to evaluate what effects modernity has had on Paganism we much first consider the institutions of Western industrial societies and how those institutions have impacted Paganism.  The focus here will be on capitalism, human rights and equality, secularization, globalization, and other religions, and how these institutions have impacted Paganism.

Capitalism

Capitalism is, at first blush, at odds with the Pagan concepts of preservation of and co-existence with nature. In fact, a large number of Pagans view themselves as eco-pagans (Woodhead, 368). The Pagan respect for nature and conservationism is a sharp contrast to modern capitalism.  Capitalism has removed forests, moved or dried up rivers, and built up dense urban cities.  Many Pagans view this industrialization and consumption of resources as invasive of their holding that the earth is sacred. This belief is not far removed from non-religious ecological movements to protect the earth. Yet Pagans consume a substantial amount of products which are produced and market to them, such as books, music, incense, novelty signs and bumper stickers, and other consumables. Additionally, there is a substantial market for ritual items such as costumes, jewelry, and other implements used in Pagan rituals.  There are tarot cards, runes, and other divination tools that are associated with witchcraft and other Pagan categories. 

There can be no doubt that Pagans are market participants in the modern industrial world, and that there is such a large market directed at Pagans is evidence capitalization at work - finding a consumer need and filling that need for a profit.   Pagans are consumers of capitalism whether or not they oppose the effects on nature from capitalism.

Human Rights and Equality

Human rights and equality includes several concepts.  In particular I will discuss issues of gender, and individualism and how these relate to Paganism.

Much of the pre-modern world can be characterized by male domination over women.  Gender issues in modernity deal with ways that institutions approach and resolve these historical gender roles. Paganism takes a radical approach to gender issues by feminizing the world and the deities.  

Pagans today speak of “The Goddess,” as an expression of the combined deities.  While there is a maleness among nature and the deities, many Pagans view the female Goddess as superior to any other form of deity. (Woodhead, 366).  Heymeyer discusses one form of Paganism as “feminist Wicca.”  She points out that with growing equality in America, some women left male dominated faith communities in favor of the feminist spirituality in Wicca. 

The historical story of male domination seems to have influenced Paganism to the extent that the female is emphasized over the male. There is no set division of roles among men and women in the Pagan religions and followers are accepted without regard to sex. Instead, the great diversity in life is ritualistically celebrated and embraced.  Equality and respect for human rights, a modern construct, is alive and well in Paganism.

Secularization

Secularization has been a necessary prerequisite to the return of the Paganisms in the modern world.  Secularization for our purposes here is the decline of religion as an institution that exercises social control, either politically, or judicially.  So long as religion, and in particular Christianity, had power to govern, people were not free to openly practice as Pagans.  History documents the Christian assault on old Pagan rituals and practices from mediaeval through early modern times (Woodhead, 360).  With the risk of being tried for worshipping the Christian devil, and the certain death penalty that followed, pre-modern Pagans would have been forced underground, or perhaps even wiped out altogether.   

As secularization grew in Europe and Christianity declined, would-be Pagans began a renewed interest in the ancient rituals and practices.  In the United States, secularization has not occurred to the same degree as has occurred in Europe. However, religious freedoms were guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution, essentially removing the ability of the Christian establishment to seek out and destroy the practices that would become the foundation for the new Paganism. Therefore, without secularization, and Constitutionally protected religious freedoms, Paganism would not have had the ability to rebirth in either Europe or the Americas. 

Secularization is also associated with an increasing reliance in science and the scientific method.  Religion often offers responses to questions about the world that science has not been able to answer.  Such secularization might be in conflict with Pagans who worship deities that are seen as divine, since science tends to exclude the divine or deities as objects that have no proof of existence.  However, not all Pagans worship or believe in deities, and for these Pagans there would be little conflict between science and their religion based on observable nature and the changing seasons.  So for some Pagans secularization and science might be at odds with their beliefs, while other Pagans may be in close alignment with scientific processes and knowledge.  Regardless of whether or not some Pagans are in conflict with secularization, Paganism would arguably not have had its rebirth in the absence of secularization.

Globalization

Paganisms are global religions.  Paganism has no central authority and the Pagan religions typically occur as small local groups, decentralized, and independent.  Some Pagans are more organized however, such as European Wiccans, who are initiated into a coven that is governed by a priest or priestess who has direct lineage to the founders of Wicca; Gerald Gardner, and Alex Saunders and Maxine Saunders. (Woodhead, 364). But not all witches who identify as Wiccan are initiated into such groups and in the United States such covens might not qualify as Wicca according to the United Kingdom initiatory requirements.  Furthermore, other witches that identify as Wiccan might not be part of a coven at all.  Modern Celtic druids have revived the beliefs and practices of pre-Roman Celts (including cultures from Wales, Brittany, Cornwall, Ireland, and Scotland, (Woodhead, 265)).  Several countries in Eastern and Central Europe have seen revivals of the pre-Christian ethnic practices (Woodhead, 366). Iceland, Scandinavia, German, and Anglo-Saxon Britain have also seen unique versions of Paganisms referred to as “heathen rather than Pagan,” according to Graham Harvey (Woodhead, 367).    There is also a movement among younger people who are identifying themselves as witches, that Harvey calls “Teen Witchcraft.” (Woodhead, 365).

This diversity within the Paganisms, and the diversity found across the globe, demonstrates that the Pagan religions have thrived in the modern global world.  The information instantly available across the internet, together with internationally available books, magazines, and other media, makes sharing ideas across the variety of Pagan religions easy.  With the decentralized and local nature of Paganism, even the individual Pagan can obtain the full body of knowledge available on Paganism and the various ways these religions are expressed.

Other Institutions

The most obvious impact on Paganism in the modern world is drawn from its interactions with Christianity.  While the decline in political and judicial influence of Christianity was a condition precedent to the rise of Paganism (discussed supra), modern Christianity continues to influence how Paganism interacts with the world.  

Many people who are unread in the traditions and history of Paganism might simply think that Paganism, particularly Wicca, is “devil worship.” However, according to Hemeyer, “witches do not worship satan or the devil.”  (Hemeyer, 299). Many Pagans do not believe in the Christian God, or Satan, and as previously mentioned, some Pagans do not even believe in deities.  Perhaps the remaining Christian influence in American government can account for the instances where Pagan religions have been denied tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. (Hemeyer, 300). Additionally, Hemeyer reports that Wiccans cannot be commissioned as military chaplains (Hemeyer, 301).  She does, however, indicate that after some time the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has now allowed the headstones of veterans who are interred in National Cemeteries to be inscribed with the pentacle, a five-pointed star, which has symbolic meanings to Wiccans.

Not all of modern Christianity is so adverse to Pagan religions.  Hemeyer points out that there is a Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans that is “...formally acknowledged and supported by the denomination....” (Hemeyer, 300).  Similarly, there are numerous celebrations of the solstice and equinox, renaissance faires and festivals, and Scottish/Irish festivals, all of which include some aspects of various modern expressions of Paganisms.

Conclusion

Paganism as it exists today is certainly modern, being itself a product of modernity.  As a modern development of ancient traditions, pagan religions enjoy a communion with the modern world that many other religions (i.e., the Abrahamic religions) do not have.  While there are remnants of resistance to Paganism by fundamental Christianity, I believe that Paganism is positioned to see tremendous growth as an alternative to approaching spirituality, in conjunction with such diverse philosophical constructs as atheism, agnosticism, pure science, and a secular, global, modern world.

References

Hemeyer, J. Religion in America: 6 ed. Prentice Hall. 2010.

Woodhead, L., Kawanami, H., Partridge, C. Religions in The Modern World: Transitions and Transformations: 2 ed. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group. 2009.

Save Yourself

Most of you know that I am not what would be generally considered a 'christian.'  I am agnostic atheist in that, having been educated in the width and depth of available religious philosophies, the weight of the evidence leads me to believe that here is no god.  I see no evidence whatsoever that there is one.  I'll save the Plantingian and Lewisian arguments about where faith comes into play for those who share my academic credentials.  So don't even bother.

I do believe that the principals that give rise to the christian celebration of Easter are timeless.  And by that I mean people have been killing people who are different than the mainstream way before the first word of Hebrew or Aramaic was uttered.  This shit goes back to the cavemen.

Take the religion out of the resurrection.  (I'm not even going to discuss the biochemical reasons why its not even possible for someone to be dead for three days and rise up alive again. So dont get pissed at me yet - there will be plenty of time for that later).  What really happened?

Dude is going around poking the policy makers with a stick.  Challenging their philosophy and authority.  Its like the scrawny kid throwing rocks at the jocks on the playground.  As soon as the teacher isn't looking someone is getting their ass kicked. 

So this dude starts sharing his ideas with the rest of the world.  Salvation.  Peace.  Eternal happiness. What is so wrong with all of that anyway?  Oh wait.  The only way to get that stuff is to break from tradition, defy what you think to be absolute, and adopt a new paradigm that dude is handing out for free.  It didn't take very long for dude to get his ass nailed to a cross and spear chucked.  At least he saw it coming.  Everyone else did too. 

Then for several hundred years the big kids on the playground ran around killing everyone that had been associated with dude.  You have to regulate sometimes you know?  But they couldn't get everyone and someone finally had the idea to change some shit up and sell this new paradigm.  Of course the change ups gave the big kids the ability to continue to use force, fear and intimidation to control the mass of other kids on the playground.  But thats a whole other kind of blog.

So what does it all mean?  Its simple really.  Take away the control, repression, intolerance, authoritarianism, and greed, and people are not only generally good, they want to believe in goodness.  Easter was created so that a pagan celebration could be eliminated, but also because we need to believe that things can get better. Easter was created so we can believe that someone, somewhere, is going to save us from ourselves.

I think Easter would be more meaningful if we raise a few other people from the dead and celebrate their resurrection.

Lets start with Dr. Martin Luther King.  He certainly spoke against traditional conventions and they killed him for it.  

And lets bring Matthew Shepard back.  According to his father he was "an optimistic and accepting young man who had a special gift of relating to almost everyone. He was the type of person who was very approachable and always looked to new challenges. Matthew had a great passion for equality and always stood up for the acceptance of people's differences."  Matthew was brutally murdered for not fitting the conventional norm.

And lets bring back Angie Zapata.  She was ambushed and killed by her boyfriend because she chose to be true to her self and change her body to fit her idea of who she is.

And lets bring back Andrew Anthos, the 72 year old veteran's activist who was killed because his personal sexual preference isnt quite yet socially tolerated.

All of these martyrs carried the banner of tolerance and understanding.  Yes, even the Jesus dude. Didn't he say ... love thy neighbor as thyself...  and ...but now faith, hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love?  (Don't be so shocked, I DO have a PhD in Comparative Religions after all).

Our salvation is not to be found in celebrating the zombie Jesus my friends.  Rather its the message he and the others carried - the message that got them killed in the first place.  Our salvation is in ourselves.  We hold the key to world peace within our minds and at any time we can unlock that gate of intolerance, bigotry and hate.  We can walk through together as humans into the bright heaven of acceptance if we only listen.  Faith.  Hope.  Love. 

Instead of looking to some outside force for which there is no compelling evidence, look inside yourself.  By understanding our differences and recognizing that differences are not evil, we begin to tolerate and accept.  Individuals are the evil.  Love is the cure.  And you can't get that by going to any church.

Put that in your Easter basket.

Cami Cardinale

Cami had a way of making you feel like you were the center of the universe when you were with her.  We met at an unlikely place - Fort Knox, Kentucky.  When you have 350 smelly testosterone pumping guys in full battle dress all in one place the last thing you expect to find is a hot chick with a camera.

But there she was and within a few hours she was being called "Hot Camera Chick" by all.  Her smile was infectious and distracting, but there was something about Cami that you just couldn't describe.

Over the years she and I talked more and more and during the summer of 2008 when I hit absolute rock bottom, she scaled the walls I had built around me and showered me with her special kind of friendship.

When I flew into LA for the bar exam (Take One) she picked me up from the airport.  Cami kept me distracted with conversation through dinner and into the evening.  As I was beginning to get nauseated about the exam in the morning she grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out of the hotel room.  Cami said nothing as she pulled me down the street in my socks.  We ran a couple of blocks when she suddenly stopped and pulled me into the iceplant off the sidewalk.  I still had no idea what she was doing when the Disney Fireworks show exploded in front of us. 

We stood there together for what seemed like an eternity in a friend's embrace watching the show.  When it was finished we silently walked back to my hotel room and she stayed with me until I fell asleep.

Without Cami there that day I would have packed my things and gone home before the bar exam even started.  And with each failure she smiled and encouraged me, reminding me that she believed in me and a lot of other people did too.

I had not seen Cami in quite a while so I was so happy that she was coming to dinner with us this past Thanksgiving.  When she texted me that she was outside and needed help getting everything in we all ran out excited to see her.  And waited.  And waited some more.  And waited some more.

Cami didn't know that here in Phoenix they have a Street, Avenue, Drive, Place and Circle for nearly every street name.  She ended up a couple of blocks over instead of my mom's house. 

When the old man answered her knock on the door Sadie and Triste ran right into the wrong house and Cami just smiled and with her arms full of pies announced that she was there for dinner.  I'm certain the old man will talk about it for many years.  She just has a way into your heart like that.

She made it to our house and we spent the evening talking about old times and times yet to come.  As she left I hugged her and whispered in her ear how much I love her.  The twinkle in her eye was all I needed to know she understood.

Cami made this world a better place and I cannot fathom it without her. 

I am so grateful that I was able to be even a small part of how big she lived life.  As much as my heart aches I know she wants me to keep living big, following the road less travelled, and never letting anything stop me from dreaming the impossible into reality.

And I know that whatever is next beyond this world, when we get there she will be jumping up and down with her trademark smile, waiting to give us the biggest hugs and tell us what she has been up to.

Crabs in a bucket. I say, fuck it!

I just read that a Dutch Court has lifted the court order forbidding a 14 year old girl from embarking on a solo around the world sail.  As one might expect there was plenty of editorial comment following the article - most criticizing the girl, her family and even the court for allowing the sail.

The most striking observation to me is that clearly none of those who are so loudly critical of this 14 year old girl's solo sail have ever been to sea.  Tales of high seas and dangerous waters, treacherous typhoons and serious squalls, shipwrecking knockdowns and more.  By people who have never seen any of it.  People who have never tasted the salt in the wind, or pulled a sheet through the wench and watched the sails snap to shape and feel her lean into the wind.

This young sailor, with four years of solo experience, has more sea under her than any of those who are crying about her dream.  I know this because I have my sea time and I applaud this brave sailor, as would any Salt worth his ... well, his salt.

I'm not sure why, but it seems to me that most people, the masses, are deathly afraid of someone else following any dream that is outside of mainstream.  Probably because it reminds them how small their dicks are I imagine. 

If you have a bucket of crabs (a tasty start to a great evening I might add) you never need to put a lid on them.  Any crabs that reach for the sky to get out of the bucket are swiftly pulled back down by the rest of the crabs - the masses. 

All my life I have been told what I cannot do and why I cannot do it.  Even after I did it.  I say fuck that!

Opinions and their expression are protected by the First Amendment, and I'm a Constitutionalist so I can't argue against that protection.  But fucking shit people, do you think you can limit your opinionated expressions to things that you are actually qualified to express an opinion about ?

Like all the illegal aliens who are against the new State Immigration Law here in Arizona.  Illegal aliens are the least qualified people to even have a fucking opinion about that law.   Do we allow burglars to protest laws against burglary, or rapists to protest laws against rape?  Its the same fucking thing.

The only people qualified to express a valid opinion about this 14 year old girl are her family and the sailing families that have tied a reef before her.

Death can happen though you say?  So the fuck what!  I have a big fucking surprise - DEATH HAPPENS!  No matter what.  The most important thing is - did you have a dream and follow it.

Yes, there are two elements.  You first have to dream.   I don't mean dream small either.  Shoot for the motherfucking stars.  Someone in my family used to tell me to aim lower so I won't be so disappointed when I fail.  For real.  No shit.  I say, fuck it.

Aim as high as you can imagine and constantly raise your aim as your perception expands and your horizons broaden.

I have sailed the sea in calm and storm, and although I am certainly not an around the world solo kind of sailor, I've been there.  I've done it.  If you haven't, then kindly, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, shut the FUCK up you stupid cunts.  (Emphasis added for, well, effect).

Am I pissing you off yet.  I hope so.  You should be pissed - wasting your fucking life for a paycheck, a mortgage, a car payment, a promotion.  Where the fuck are your memories?  The office christmas party doesn't count no matter how many of the office sluts you bang in the back room.  Well, maybe if you bang a lot of them.

But then only because you took a risk, you stepped out of your comfort zone - even if it was only for 3 minutes.  Its not that she was all that hot mind you , its the energy of doing something the masses tell you that you can't do.  I say fuck it.

Back to sea.  To me the ocean is a lady.  Many nights she held me and rocked me to sleep.  She carried me from place to place.  She gave me joys that only another Sailor can understand.  This 14 year old Dutch girl understands. 

Even if the sea were to take her she was at least following her dream.  She was doing something, instead of sitting in a chair stuffing her face with McCrap and talking shit about something she knows nothing about.

Don't try to describe what you have never seen. 

So if you have not been to sea, well, you know.  Crabs in a bucket.   And if you don't have a dream, well that's your loss.  Just stay the fuck out of mine.

... A year ago, a year from now ....

One year ago today I was wandering around the streets of downtown Sacramento.  I was exploring the convention center where I would begin taking the California Bar Exam the next day.  I was finding the Starbucks, the bathrooms, the drop off and pick up places that best suited me.

My entire world consisted of the Exam, and nothing else.

As you know, I passed that Exam.

In a few days Daun, Owen and I leave on our road trip.  We will end up in the Sacramento Valley for a week of wine, beaches and cities.  I'm sure that, the trip being in California, I will have much inspiration for new, exciting and mostly offensive blogshit.  So be watching for it.

A year from now.... 

Well I expect my moral character process will be completed and I'll be sworn in as an Attorney at Law, Esq., a lawyer, etc. 

I will also be two semesters (and perhaps a summer session) closer to having my medical school pre-req's completed (with maybe 2 more semesters to go, or even less).

And most certainly, I will be drinking a Macchia Late Harvest Zinfandel.

MEEP ! MEEP!

Nearly halfway through my second semester back at school I have distilled down my inner motivations into an articulable direction.  For the dumbasses out there, it means I know what I want and how imma get it bitch!

I have long been drawn to natural medicince.  Homeopathy can get pretty damn hokey though and while it has some emperical support in science, much of it is too etherial for my objectives.  So I looked at oriental medicine and even took a semester of Mandarin.  Ni hao ma?  Its just not "doctor" enough for me.

Naturopathic Medicine is a scientifically evidenced system of natural and modern medicine that seems to fit my thinking.  And Arizona has the broadest scope of practice for ND's, making them primary care providers with prescribing authority and health insurance payments.

So after reviewing again the prereqs to get in and doing the cost benefit analysis comparison of the ND to the MD I am settled on the Naturopathic program.

But before I can get to the ND program I am going to obtain a MSOM (Master of Science Oriental Medicine).  Oriental Medicine is within the scope of practice for ND's anyway but the education isnt as in depth as I want and OM is likely to be my main modality so I want the best education in the area I can get.

So .... I have another two years at GCC before I begin the MSOM program, which is a four year program.  After that its on to medical school for another four years.  I guess thats my ten year plan ....

Of course there will be plenty of adventures along the way !

Catharsis

Catharsis


1. Medicine Purgation, especially for the digestive system.

2. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.

3. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

4. Psychology

a. A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.

b. The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.



I was glancing at some of the many “Bar Exam Blogs” a moment ago, mostly out of habit that any other reason. It feels so irresponsible to not be studying for the bar exam still. My bookshelves sit empty of the dozens and dozens of volumes of bar review material, and I wonder what I can put there in their place.



My existence also has empty space, left vacant by the news on November 20, 2009, that I have indeed passed the California Bar Exam. I also ponder what I might fill that space with, now that its no longer full of emotional tension and overwhelming experience.



So I’m looking at these videos of people checking their bar exam results and the first thing that stands out to me is that there are no videos of people finding out they did not pass. I suppose no one wants to post that kind of thing online? I know I deleted my first video of checking results (and not passing).



Anyway, I had to stop looking at the videos because I was getting all cathartic again. It seems that moment gets burned into your emotional core forever. Or at least for a few months.



It is true that I have experienced a purifying cleansing of emotions, particularly fear. Certainly there has been a release of emotional tension following a clear overwhelming experience – taking the California Bar Exam three times.



The attorney in my firm has now called me “an attorney in the firm” three or four times. A very restorative and refreshing moment to say the least.



Therapeutically speaking, my tension and anxiety is banished with no lingering repressed feelings or fears.



Overall, learning that I passed the bar has been rather uneventful on the surface. My job is the same as it was before. My life is really not that much different – other than the 12 hour study days are now over. I’m not very different than I was before. On the surface anyway.



I discovered that taking the bar exam is an experience that cannot be adequately described to someone who has not themselves also taken a bar exam. Its simply not possible to put it into language. As much as I would love to yell “Taste It Bitches!!!” you just can’t.



So too is passing the bar exam. As I have been sharing the news that I passed, I am discovering that I cannot express the experience of passing the bar exam to those who have not also passed a bar exam. Its simply too big for words. In fact I could not even speak in the moments following that click of a button that brought the news to me that my name was found on the pass list.



I think its safe to say that it hasn’t fully sunk in for me yet. I still look at the pass list once or twice a week just to see my name there, but I don’t get emotional over that anymore.



But watching the video of someone getting their bar exam results puts me right back in that moment on Friday, November 20, 2009, a little after 7:00 p.m.



Time stopped. Literally, because I pulled out the crown of my “bar exam watch” that I had been using to keep track of time during the exams. That watch will never again be used for anything other than as a memento of catharsis.



I have a new watch now.



I have a new life now, and a future that I have not been able to see because of the limitations of law school and the bar exam.



I am writing in the pages of my life in ink, not pencil. And dammit I’m using a MontBlanc pen instead of some crappy Pilot gel.

Thanks Giving

Somewhere along the way I began a tradition of having everyone at the dinner table say what they are thankful for on Thanksgiving Day.

Because not everyone necessary for a complete giving of thanks will be at my table ( failure to join an indispensable party I think ) I am going to give my thanks here.

This Thanksgiving I am obviously thankful that I passed the California Bar Exam. I am also thankful for all the love and support (including financial) from all of the great people that stood by me while I travelled this difficult road.

April and Julie kept me sane when there was no one else. Ashley kept me insulated from anything that would distract me. John let me study when I should have been working. Eric and the mansion crew kept me drinking when I was about to give up. Kelly sent me her Angels. Mom handed me her Platinum Card and said do whatever it takes. Ronda made sure I was at the Convention Center on time every day and got me wined up with the best Lodi Zinfandel after it was over.

Max reminded me to never quit and I hung my Blue Rope from my rear view mirror as a daily affirmation that I would fight on to complete the mission. With no air conditioner in the 120 degree summer heat that Blue Rope kept me driving on Airborne.

My Wardog family went with me into every exam through the coin in my pocket, and many bought my drinks for me when the exam was over. I could never let you guys down.

She took me in when I was heartbroken and beaten and was my best cheerleader when the fight got rough. As difficult as it was to live with me through all of this she never faltered and never let me give up. This journey, which would have been unbearable alone, has become the most enjoyable journey (so far) in my life.

And I am thankful for everyone else that has encouraged and contributed to my cause for celebration this Thanksgiving.

Thank you all so much ... con todo mi ser, gracias.

Legalizing Marijuana ?

I don't typically take positions on political issues. Law school educates politics right out of you. (Not to be confused with being a politician, a profession many lawyers pursue. I'm talking about political ideology and positions here).

I feel I am forced to take a position on the issue of whether or not to legalize marijuana, however not for political or religious reasons. My position is purely selfish and based in economics.

I was in San Diego last weekend. If you don't already know, a lot of weed is smoked in San Diego, particularly in Ocean Beach, where an enterprising beach bum can acquire a rather satisfactory contact high just by walking in and out of various crowds.

Sunday morning we stopped for coffee and bagels at Einstein's Bagels. As you will soon see, the name should have been Dumbfuck Stoner's Bagels.

OK, so pretend you are the guy behind the counter at the bagel and coffee place. A man and a woman, obviously together, discuss their desires for breakfast then approach you to place the order.

You would take both orders right ?

Not Dumbfuck stoner boy.

No, he enters my order, closes the ticket and mumbles I can pay at the other end of the counter (where the cash register is in plain view). I nod and wait for him to take her order. No, Dumbfuck stoner boy gets offended I remained in his red zone and insists I can pay at the other end of the counter.

Now I'm pissed. I have not even had my motherfucking coffee yet.

It gets worse.

I informed Dumbfuck stoner boy he will now take the rest of our order and I will then proceed to the plainly visible cash register to pay for the entire order. Thinking he is now in compliance with my most reasonable demand we complete the ordering process and slide a few yards to the cashier.

For fucks sake. What do you mean you have to run the debit card twice? That's right, Dumbfuck stoner boy strikes again - two checks.

Facing the competing options of bitchslapping Dumbfuck stoner boy or pissing on his leg I decide that I really need my coffee now.

I not so politely informed the "manager" that we are leaving because rainman down at the other end is a dumbfuck stoner. Manager just gazes through half closed blurry eyes and says nothing. Probably had not completely processed though the haze of weed yet.

So here is my theory.

I believe that most of the "quick service" employees are potheads. Think about it. No drug testing. Free fried food. No drug testing. Simple tasks that can be relearned every week (like washing your hands and asking "would you like fries with that?"). No drug testing. Flexible hygiene standards. No drug testing. Look closely the next time you are grabbing a "quick" bite somewhere. Potheads. You know I am right.

Now, imaging all these Dumbfuck stoners aren't even trying to hide the fact that they are stoned. The "smoke break" takes on a whole new meaning.

You think your Taco Bell order is fucked up now? Wait until weed is legal! Forgotten fries, diet instead of regular, missing meat from your Mc Whopper or whatthefuckever you eat.

And they will all be laughing hysterically behind the counter.

And you can forget all about "fast food" and "quick service." Not that its very fast now but grease the wheels of food production with some weed and watch our entire industrial complex grind to slow motion.

The Dumbfuck stoners will never understand us unless we learn to speak stoner. For example, "dude, like score me some big ass fries and like ummmm maybe like a Mc .. wait ... um nevermind scratch that umm... dude what?" Equals "a number 2 to go with a coke" in the cortex of the Dumbfuck stoner.

Legalize weed all you want. Just not for the fucksticks that serve us our food and especially our coffee.

Shit. Now I'm craving Doritos.

A Horse is a Horse Of Course ...

... of course unless the horse is some blonde scrawny mouth full of teeth chick at my bar.

Seriously, she couldnt even close her mouth with all the teeth. I wonder is she is a mouth breather?

I didn't really notice her right away because of her chubbie friend that was stripper dancing in her seat. I finally understand what "pigs dancing in a burlap sack" really looks like. Its funny how beer and latin hip hop a la Pitbull can get an ugly chick humming on herself.

Our night was winding down and it seemed theirs was winding up. Horsemouth came out of nowhere up to our table as if to graze and asked if any of us were smokers. But her teeth didnt move! Those white boulders of got beat the fuck up by the tooth fairy are packed in her mouth so damn tight nothing moves!

We were all stunned by her sudden presence and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING TEETH that no one responded right away. McLovin finally said some weak something something about smoking cigarettes or something else. This elicited giggles of joy from Horsemouth.

I was able to avert my stare long enough to jump on the set up McLovin gave me, pushing Horsemouth to confess that she and her Chubsketeers had some ganja. Come on, ALL fat and/or ugly chicks have ganja or they will never get laid. I grilled her to the point that she was about to admit to possessing said narcotic when Bosnia Girl ran Horsemouth off. I never even got my badge off my belt.

Amid a chorus of horse noises and breying we finally wandered toward the front door, but not before taking one last look just to make sure Horsemouth wasn't just wearing some kind of fucked up redneck halloween prop.

Nope. Those fucking teeth are for real.

Was it really that bad?

I'll put it this way. I have no idea what Horsemouth's tits look like. Those that know me can tell you thats really fucking bad.

I think we can add a new one to the list of asshole shit to do while fucking a girl: The Lone Ranger - when you mount a Horsemouth and yell loudly, "Hi Yo Silver, Away!!!"

Then try to hold on.

Back to School

I just glanced through the "suggested answers" to the July 2009 CaliBar essays via a link posted by my fellow Bar Exam Survivor - The Grand Poobah.

As I read them I felt that same sick to my stomach feeling I felt the entire bar exam. The feeling that says "I'm just fucking over this shit already." And I am. Over it that is.

So, I'm back in school, come what may. Seems my failure to acquire an accredited undergraduate degree prior to my undergraduate courses aging approximately 20 years has left me exatcly where I started at age 18 - in my "freshman" year of college.

I am retaking the usual general education requirements over the next few semesters through two of Maricopa Coummunity Colleges' local institutions. One is wholly online and the other, well lets just say I like being in a classroom for the first time ever.

Why ?

Short version: Once I rack up 60 credits I am entering an oriental medicine degree program here in Phoenix. Its a 4 year full time (albeit evenings and weekends) professional program in modern traditional chinese medicine (acupuncture, Chinese herbology, qi gong, tui na, and on and on).

Why not?

I already am in study mode. In fact, 14 credits is less work than bar review was. Less time. Less thinking. Less stress.

No, I'm not giving up on my dreams and goals. Law never was the end all be all for me. I just forgot that after July 08.

So if you see me walking around campus say hello and buy me a coffee .... you know you want to!

One More Week and I'll Be Through

"Here we go again... same old shit again...."

The cadence we used to sing in the Army (and when I say sing I use that term in the loosest possible way) were usually geared towards counting down until some shitty thing was over and life got better.

This is so because the thing that we were consumed by was usually rather shitty.

I think the key is that if you cannot change the shitty things then you have to not be consumed by the things so shitty.

I am off to Sacramento tomorrow for the week. For three days of that week I will be writing the bar exam. The bar exam is not going to consume me because at the end of the three days I will walk out still being the same person I am right now. The bar exam is not shitty because I can do anything for three days.

Besides, I am going to a certain Wine Piazzo to taste, enjoy, and acquire some of the most wonderfully grown old world grapes this side of Italy.

Now that my friends is something I will allow to consume me.

Who Is Counting Anyway?

Its not like I'm really counting down the days until Cal Bar Exam III. But its just under two weeks away.

I have my pencils, pens, admission ticket, ear plu.... shit I still need to get ear plugs.

Guess I need to make a list and check it twice?

Well, I'm really not counting.

Its not like I'm a hundred points short of passing. Just 5 raw points.

Feedback from BarBri has been helpful and I am thinking differently about the essays. I see the facts differently. I organize differently (and I didn't really even organize on Cal Bar Exam I). I IRAC - which is different.

I feel more prepared than I have been in the past.

But don't get me wrong. I'm not arrogant about this thing in any way.

I need more coffee ....

In celebration of Independence Day

I am the Infantry.

I am my country's strength in war, her deterent in peace.

I am the heart of the fight, wherever, whenever.

I carry America's faith and honor against her enemies.

I am the Queen of Battle.

I am what my country expects me to be, the best trained soldier in the world.

In the race for victory, I am swift, determined, and courageous, armed with a fierce will to win.

Never will I fail my country's trust.

Always I fight on, through the foe, to the objective, to triumph over all.

If necessary, I fight to my death.

By my steadfast courage, I have won 233 years of freedom.

I yield not to weakness, to hunger, to cowardice, to fatigue, to superior odds, for I am mentally tough, physically strong, and morally straight.

I forsake not my country, my mission, my comrades, my sacred duty.

I am relentless.

I am always there, now and forever.

I AM THE INFANTRY! FOLLOW ME!

Building

Hi. I'm Brook Davis. Not really, but thats the name we'll use here. I am in the process of populating this blog with past blogshit from another location. I am not editing anything (aside from spelling errors) and the dates will reflect the orogonal post dates.

Today I am in the process of preparing to take the California Bar Exam for the third time. More about that later....

What a long strange trip ....

One year ago I was, inter alia:

1) "studying" (read - panicing) for the July 2008 bar exam; and

2) supressing my bitterness and anger about my (soon to be ex) wife's 'sudden' decision to move to Texas.

A lot of my blogging then was laced with that bitterness and panic and most of my faithful readers seemed to rather enjoy my angry prose. It seems that as my anger has subsided, so has my readership and kudos. I don't know if it was the FML flavor of my blogs or the underlying disposition that no matter what, I was not going to roll over and take it.

Whatever it was my life is tempered and calm now. No drama. Really, I mean no drama. Nada.

We are all moved into the new apartment now and have unpacked enough of the boxes that we can walk from room to room, see the furniture, eat dinner at the table, and relax a little.

For all the moving I have had to suffer through in the past year this move was different. Everything really just fell into the right place at the right time. I am rather accustomed to having things just fall into place in my life and I suspect I have reached a turning point.

So it seems I have no bitterness, no anger, no jaded outrage to share with you. All I have is a smile, a warm heart, and the calm that only comes with knowing that someone has your back no matter what comes along.

Bar preparation is progressing and I start the essay course this coming Sunday. I am excited and determined, happy, and I wouldn't change a thing....

Clap Clap V2.0

I received my scores from the February 09 Bar Exam and I was 15 points away from passing, closing the gap halfway from last July.

I enrolled in Bar/Bri's EssayAdvantage and PerformanceAdvantage courses via iPod in order to get the more 'hands on' writing instruction for each tested subject. This way I am modeling my essay writing on passing essays rather than mythical "model answers" that were written over several months instead of an hour.

"Everyone takes Bar/Bri" is a mantra long repeated in the halls of law schools and bar exam centers from coast to coast, and I want my essays to look like the essays written by those who pass.

I have a reasonable study schedule in place and already have all the substantive law lectures reviewed. I am still focused from last time and daily my focus is sharper.

I am absolutely determined. I'm not sure I can say that about July 2008. I was still responding to my sudden life changes and, quite honestly, I was being a bit dramatic, and a complete asshole.

As fun as it was, I'm not going to rinse and repeat what has almost worked. I have a new system, new materials, a fresh start and renewed purpose.

I am calm and happy actually. The only stress was money related and that issue is moot.

I took five minutes and revisited why I was taking the bar in the first place and my perspective was refreshed. I'm happy and I know it.

Clap Clap

Whatever it takes...

I was a casualty of the 33.5 % overall pass rate for the February 2009 California Bar Exam.
But don't tell me "I'm sorry" or "That sucks" because its nothing but a thing.

When I started this "thing" I pre-determined I would finish. No matter what. And I will Whatever it takes.

For the last couple of months I have been listening to all the substantive law lectures in my car driving back and forth to the office so I already have reviewed 'The Law.'

Thanks to the very generous (and often unwarranted) support of my Mom I am enrolled in a extensive (and frankly expensive) intensive essay writing program. I know the damn law. I just haven't been able to produce the writing model in my essays that gets the passing scores.

The nice thing about the essay course is its delivered via iPod so I can do it twice or even thrice before July. Whatever it takes.

I am not distressed, or even disappointed. I did the absolute best I could do in February - not something I can say about July 2008. I prepared as strongly as I could have and I fought all three days. I got my teeth kicked in by some of it and I knew it then but I fought on. Whatever it takes.

I am not sad or depressed. I have the strongest and most supportive group of friends and family in my life - the likes of which I have never before experienced. They remind me that there is a big picture and there is life after the bar exam. There is even life during bar review.

I am calm, determined, focused, and intelligent enough to know I cannot simply repeat the incorrect writing style over and over and expect passing results. I am fixing the problem (not so much what I write, but how it is delivered - "a clear, concise, lawyer-like manner"). Whatever it takes.

I will pass the bar exam. Whatever it takes .....