The short bus and burnt popcorn...

OK why is it that the person who burns the fucking microwave popcorn can never smell it?

The entire fucking building can be wafting with the stench of blackened butter burned popcorn that sat in the nuker on super-high for 13 minutes causing the smoke alarms to go off.

But no, fatty in the kitchen just yaps on her cell phone obivious to the negative environmental impact she is causing. Someone call Masry & Vititoe already !!

And that smell just doesn't go away. Its a special kind of stink. Kind of smells like the short bus. Old piss, BO and blue jeans.

And why is it the short bus anyway? With all the fucking retards in this world you would think someone would have the fucking idea to put them on the long bus instead.

Put the normal people on the damn short bus. After you get the burned popcorn smell out of it that is....

What would you do??

What would you do if you were a 19 year old girl on Spring Break? What if you were in Rocky Point Mexico? We all know what you would be doing.

So what would you do if a local radio station in Phoenix, Arizona called your cell phone while you were in Rocky Point for spring break and wanted you to be a "reporter" for them on the air? Keeping in mind this radio station is nationally known for its hijinks and conflict based shows, such as "Spring Break Busts."

Would you tell them about how you ate mushrooms and ended up tweaking yourself into the local 'emergency room' to have your stomach pumped? And if you did would you then tell them how the next night you smoked some meth and eneded up again in the same 'emergency room' to have your stomach pumped again?

And if you did would you really be justified in literally shitting yourself when your father (and college financial aid source) breaks into the conversation and asks you if you have "lost your fucking mind?" Or maybe its the meth effect that made you bust ass all over the random hook-up in bed next to you. We want to know about him next!

Is Daddy pissed because you ate shrooms and smoked a little meth on your very first spring break to the wilds of Ole Mexico and he paid for it? Or is he pissed because yes, you are really that FUCKING DUMB that you would talk about it live on the radio?

Perhaps I am overly suspicious, having been through four wives, three midnight bug outs, two hostile fire zones and a restraining order in a pear tree. But if a radio station called me and wanted me to say some shit about me on the air.... come on are you REALLY that fucking STUPID ?

Another gimick they have is to call and tell you that you won some free flowers and who do you want to send them to. Come the fuck on!! Whoever you pick you can bet the OTHER person, the one you SHOULD have sent them to, is listening in on the conversation. Really ???

But the one that really makes me question are you really that FUCKING stupid is "Confession Wednesday" where they give free concert tickets to the best (and usually criminal) confession. Then they promptly turn over the recordings to local law enforcement and the FBI. Now I realyize that if you have not gone to law school the protections of the Fourth Amendment regarding search and seizure are a concept you dont completely understand but you still know the cops need a warrant right? Well the radio staition is not the cops and they don't need a warrant. And you just confessed to killing so and so or some other gradiose crime ??? Are you fucking KIDDING me ?

Come on people! It amazes me how a couple minutes of airtime and some free tickets can compel you to completely and irrevocably fuck yourself!

So while shrooms girl is at the No Doubt concert I hope she is thinking of ways to finance the next three years at ASU. Perhaps she will go into prostitution or drug sales? Then she can talk about it on Confession Wednesday and get some more tickets! Lets just hope she doesn't fall for the free flower bit when her boyfriend (pick one) gets suspicious and has the same DJ bust her out.....

If a radio station calls me I'm just going to hang the fuck up. Well, unless its Jimmy Buffet tickets.... then who knows??

On my porch ....

I did some mathematical, statistical, empirical, and cost benefit analysis of whether or not I should begin studying for the bar exam now, before results come out in May. I also got the opinion of a woman of great opinion and seems I have the humanistic and socialistic perspective on my decision.

Why would I study something I don't have to study? Several reasons. After coming within 27 points of passing the bar exam but not passing, I realize its rather possible to not pass the damn thing. I have to allow for that possibility, empirically speaking of course.

The thing is, its not very productive to figure out a plan of action and build a task list when you are under the emotional and social stress of not passing the bar exam and knowing you are going back into that damn room. Quitting is simply not an option for me so I will go back in the room until its done. Period.

So having a "Plan B" well in advance is the best way to drive through the let down and drama of not finding your name on the pass list. Well perhaps a Plan C.

There are something like 66 days until results come out and that means 66 days of preparation that can be banked which will take the strain off the limited time I would have between May 15 and July 26 to get my collective shit together.

I have a pretty long commute every weekday to the office and back home. On a busy traffic day that might mean 2 1/2 hours listening to traffic reports and music. Well I already know the traffic sucks thank you. The music is the same 16 songs over and over.

So I am using my commute time to re-review my substantive law lectures. There are about 54 hours of lectures covering the bar exam law. That means I can passively re-review the substantive law easily over the next 66 days - twice even ! (No, I'm not that sick, but its possible).

Come May 15, if it turns out I am going back in July I will have saved myself from having to re-do all the lectures as part of my Plan C bar review. And all I had to do is drive to work and home. If I pass then I learn the law better and I can stop studying on May 15. Its a win win.

Studying now is not a reflection of my feelings about "February" in any way. I am being proactive. Thats 54 hours of bar review I already completed before the bar review program even begins.

But I'm not justifying anything here. Its my porch after all...

Dude ... where's my bar exam ???

It seems I managed to get through "February" but I'm not really sure what happened. Well I do remember a few things.

I remember that first Performance Test on Tuesday. I remember thinking "FUCK!!!" and then probably saying it a few times to myself out loud. Fortunately most people had ear plugs in. You know, the material typically associated with swimming?

I remember feeling pretty much knocked out, but I reminded myself to quit being a pussy and told myself to STFU and get back in the game. Besides, most people got their salad tossed by that PT and points is points is points.

Wednesday - MBE. Due to confidentiality, copyright and non-disclosure agreements all I can say is yeah, I took it.

Thursday. How did it get to be Thursday ? They tested California evidence as a full essay and I got the distinctions mostly in the bluebook (actually it was canary or muave or some such shit).

The second Performance Test seemed more straightforward and at least I managed to solve the problem in my head. I'm still not really sure what the law of Luxembourg has to do with intellectual property rights and TRO pretrial attachments.

The best part was Friday morning. Around 7am I woke up to my phone playing "Here" and for half a second my beer battered brain told me I was late for the exam session. Then I realized it was the day after and my girlfriend was calling me to let me know she and the critters were almost to the hotel.

Naptime, again. Then off to IHOP for whatever that was they tried to serve us and after a little light complaining we got a decent plate of pancakes and were off to Disneyland.

First we had to drop the critters at the critter place. OK, yeah ALL of Disney is a critter place, but they have a doggie day care off to the side of the entrance. $40 later the critters were safely trembling in their cozy kennel and we were off to see the wiz.... ok we were Zipidy Do Da through the gate.

Pirates was pretty much the same with the addition of Cap'n Jack popping his damn realistic head up here and there. Creepy a little how much it looked like a person. But I figure a real person would have been pretty pissed when I splashed him with water. No I really didnt do that but you THOUGHT I did and that tells me how much you care.

Anyway, some tossfuck thought it would be fun to get out of the boat or something and we got stuck for 20 minutes in the middle of the ship to shore battle. Then we were off.

You know the rides so I don't need to go over it but yeah, Disney is not just for kids. Pics will be posted soon.

So after all day of Disney we had dinner with good friends and we were on the road again.

Two days of rodeo later I find myself in the office feeling guilty that I was not writing checklists or studying. It went fast. Too fast. I did what I could. I fought a good fight. Either it was enough or ot wasn't.

Either way, you know I wont quit.

May 15, 2009, at 6:00 p.m. is the next R-Day.

This Paratrooper is JMPI'd and Standing In The Door

The time has passed quickly and the California Bar Exam Version 2.0 kicks off next Tuesday morning. I have not blogged much about "February" and I think there are several reasons.

First, I just have not been as stressed out this time around. I have already faced the enemy once and I know its face. I have been in the exam room and experienced the meltdowns and breakdowns. When you are at rock bottom its easier to take a pirate stance and fight back because you are at least on solid ground and you can't go any lower. I may have found myself lying on the ground under the lowness of the limbo bar but the music is still playing and I get another round. This time I am more flexible and can feel the beat of the music.

I also have a cheerleader that believes in me more than I ever believed in myself last summer. She has walked along with me listening to my increasingly annoying discussions about

Dependent Relative Revocation and Abatement By Extinction, and even tolerates my elemental comparisons of common law burglary to modern law burglary. In fact once I toss some Dying Declaration and Present Sense Impression into the conversation she sticks her tongue in my mouth.

I'm still working through memorization and recall checklists, but overall I feel more prepared this time.

Anyway, since I don't have anything bar exam that is interesting to write about I'm going to have to find some new topics for my apparently well read blogshit. Since we are going to Disneyland next Friday after "February" I might have something fun to write about.

Bar Review Version 2.1

No! Not more blogshit about fucking bar review... right ?

Actually, and not surprisingly, bar review version 2.1 is nothing like version 1.0 was.
Highlights of the differences:

I am writing 3 practice essays for each of the 14 major tested subjects and 4 practice performance tests - I submit these to the bar tutors for "critique" which they provide to me via recording.

Following all of that ( 56 hours of handwriting and approximately 500 or so pages of answers and outlines completed in the next 30 days ) I will then set out to memorize some 900 plus specific rules of law and 15 or so mental checklists, write out an additional 75 or so outlines to practice questions and generally absorb "the law."

So once again I am back to making jokes that only myself and other legally minded people understand. For example, "I own blackacre" would make a lecture hall of law student piss theyselves laughing.

I also need regular reminders to eat, use deodorant and go to bed. I manage to remind myself to take showers and brush my teeth however. Provided there is hot fucking water in my house anyway.

All in all life is great, bar review is nothing like before, and the Pilot Pen Company is sending me personal "thank you" notes for contributing to their record first quarter profits.
So unlike last time, feel free to stay in touch, say hello, and show up at my 40th Birthday Party coming up on the 17th. Just don't ask me to explain the "rule against perpetuities" or I might give you a dependant relative revocation.

But if you are in the market I'm selling blackacre....

... It's nobody's iault ...

It has recently come to my attention that certain people have been telling certain other people that I am blaming her and her daughter for not passing the bar exam.

What the fuck ?

To set the record strait, I did not pass the bar exam because my score was 26 points below the passing mark. Thats really only about 12 raw points - just 2 per essay. Thats half an issue.

My multiple choice scores were not only good, but rather spectacular - indicating a solid knowledge of the law. I just didnt write enough.

While I would prefer to have passed, I'm not so disappointed that I need to blame anyone for my bar results.

I might assign some blame for other shit that occured over the years (including to myself for my own contributions) but no one else was in that exam room with me (except for the 3999 other applicants).

I can't find fault in coming so close to passing that I only have to write a total of 50 essays over the next 80 days to polish my answer organization enough to pull another 5 to 10 points out of each essay. Thats not nearly as intense as Bar Review 1.0.

I have spoken with some of my fellow not passers and quite of few of them are needing to pull another 100 points or more in order to even be in the realm of where I am. A certain Stanford Law School Dean and Constitutional Law Scholar missed the California Bar Exam passing mark by far more points than I did on her first attempt.

So I'm not blaming anyone for being in an enviable position of doing some polishing and improvement on an already damn close skill set to pass the bar exam. Its nobody's fault that I have the time, materials and emotional stability to get back on the horse, nail my organization and writing approaches, and go back in that room with a level of confidence I did not have the first time.

I'm not even stressed out this time.

Now I have to go look for my lost shaker of salt.....